So I have decided. This is IT people!
When I look in the mirror I am just completely disgusted, YES DIS GUST ED with myself. BUT - in order for me to be happy, love myself and for others to feel the same way, I've got to change. I know everyone out there is probably thinking oh yea another one.. another one of these. but really what else do I have to write about? I mean talking about it to everyone is not going to help but at least with this process it'll help me motivate myself to be able to do what I need to do in order to achieve my goals.
"I've never been so motivated and determination to change my life around, so what if I'm a little shy of 25 years before figuring it all out, some people never do! :) "
quote from my own facebook page. If anyone knows me well enough to say, I get really antsy and I'm definitely SUPER impatient when it comes to achieving my goals. So as of last week, I changed my whole diet around. 5 small meals a day. This week, so far :
Day 1: First 7am wake up call to ease into getting up early. Eventually we will be jogging and going long distances.(oh and by WE i mean, the boyfriend and i). It was SO hard. Jim started last week, I was proud of him for making the initiative. It inspired me to want to do it with him so that we could have a healthy life style. I literally woke up and finally smelled the roses. I mean the thoughts in my head are: Wow i am so unhealthy. i hate the way i look. i hate the way i feel. i have no motivation for life. I'm about to 25 and I've done nothing I thought I was going to 10 years ago. I was soooooo motivated for life and do to EVERYTHING, and then it just went away. So I woke up Monday - and decided to go for a walk half asleep with my boyfriend just a few blocks to start. Then I went home and napped for 20 minutes before work. Worked an hour shift and then felt so great that I wanted to come home to work out to that Jillian Michaels DVD (30 day shred), and after that I wanted to take the puppies for a walk. I just pushed myself a little further.
Day 2: Today was rough! I woke up so sore all over. I mean the good kind of sore that everyone talks about when you work out hard and your muscles are moving around to re-adjust. I forced myself yet again to wake up but this time about a half hour earlier, we got done with our walk before 7am. I was pretty proud of myself. Another 20 minute nap, then work. Then home. Took the puppies for a short walk, and now sitting here debating on working out or saving my body for tomorrow morning. I want to try to ease into working out in the mornings too instead of at night because I feel like I have no day left when I get done with everything. On top of making dinner, doing dishes, maybe laundry and trying to find a little time to relax before bed. There really aren't enough hours in the day. So heres when I am so changing the way I that I think (if that makes sense) I'm sitting here debating if I want to work out tonight and then try to do it tomorrow as well to help ease the pain. Now the question is HOW BADLY DO I WANT THIS? I feel guilty for not doing it. And I feel like I can sneak it in, it's only 20 minutes and it'll help me get to my goal and I can always stop if it gets too hard. And I'll hate myself for not keeping up with it although I pushed myself so far yesterday. But honestly - all I want to do is take a hot shower and relax and ease into enjoying my day off like I always do. But I can relax as soon as I do the work out. So this is where my crazy mind is headed.
This is definitely the HARDEST thing that I've done my whole life but I am sick and tired of complaining about it and realize that it's my own fault and I need to change. So there's my answer, I will be working out. funny how its such a big debate. But this is where I feel like this time all I see is tunnel vision and I am really determined to do this. I've never been so determined about any of this before. Honestly I'm just lazy. lol.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
So Long to 2010 - HELLOOOOO 2011!
I understand that a lot of times I am a procrastinator which makes me delay a little on my thoughts and projects that I have going. So my goal for this year is to write more in my diary and in my blog. I understand that it probably won't get read but at least I know that I can go back in months and years time span and still read about myself for little details of my life.
I actually got this idea for this blog post while watching Julie & Julia. :)
11:48pm on a Monday Night and just got through my 7 day stretch at work and I have on more to go before I actually can relax. I think I'm looking forward to the day off so I'm getting through laundry right now and cleaning a little here and there the next two nights so that at least one of my options for Wednesday is to actually sit, watch a movie, maybe finish up laundry if I haven't already, and sip a glass of wine and savor at least a few moments to myself.
I honestly miss the days where I lived by myself or with a roommate that was never there, and sip wine, enjoy my thoughts and quiet and alone time. As much as I am outgoing, I can be very introvert at times. I guess you can blame my personality of being a Gemini with two split personalities at ALL times he he. The other day Jim (the boyfriend) and I were talking about personalities and our horoscopes. I am a deep believer in astrology and why we were born when we were and what makes us who we are. There always has to be an explanation. I'm not sure where my curiosity started up but tarot card readings, and psychics fascinate me. Sick and stupid obsessed I know but it's my thing, although I am deathly scared of ghosts and spirits. Go figure ha ha.
Anyways - we had googled two types of horoscopes, the American version and the Vietnamese version. (yes I use google for everything it has become apart of my vocabulary and it is my answer to everything there is in life. It TRULY is the brain I never had! ) In Asia, we believe in the year that you were born, that you were born into the year of an animal that would quickly explain your personality and why you are the way you are. Same was the American Astrological Chart.
So back to why I miss those days. It's not that I don't enjoy living with my wonderful boyfriend, I honestly believe in living with men over women. I am very selfish with my things and am not good at sharing at all. I've figured this out about myself a LONG time ago and have come to accept it. As much as I have moments where I miss those days, I still cherish that I have someone to come home to, and I always feel safe when he's here. And hey, living with a man, you'll never have missing clothing, hairspray, curling iron, make up and no cat fights. I wont say there aren't any fights, but at least cat fights.
I honestly don't think I could ever do the roommate thing again. The first group of girls I lived with, I loved the house and the situation but it was hard because we were split in the house with the age thing, and having a child in the house didn't help that either. The 2nd roommate situation was with my best friend, and I do love living with her. It just didn't work out. THEN I had a guy roommate (who ended up being my best friend's now husband) which was perfect. We had a lot of fun and he was a very cool roommate. When my best friend and him got together, they moved out and got a place of their own. Then my final roommate, well she was eccentric. Very fun girl to hang out with and party with, we had a blast living with each other, she was a crazy little one but also very fun at the same time. We both lived together and worked together which was fine, we even hung out in the same group of friends with the girls from work. I had a good time living with her, things turned sour when I started dating Jim. Plus it didn't help that I was a caught in a "he said she said" kind of situation with an ex boyfriend who also was my next door neighbor.
She said he tried to kiss her and HE said she was the one to come on to him one night when they were hanging out behind my back. I was 20 at the time and into the whole dramatic scene. The ex was a psycho and he was definitely a rebound from my ex boyfriend before him. I wish I could go back to looking like I did back then. After the terrible break- up with the ex ex boyfriend, I fell into a huge depression and began drinking and partying heavily and never eating. So I had lost about 40 lbs in two months. Not healthy I know but I was completely head over heels for this guy. I had lost my virginity to him and well, he just treated me badly and ran around town being who he was (a playboy). I don't blame him though, at the time we were young and stupid, I'm not making an excuse for him by any means but with time, I've slowly grown up and realized it's not healthy to thrive on the past and what people have done to you, you move on and try to be happy because life is too short. I hate to get all cheesy but it's true. For the first time in my life, I feel truly accomplished and proud of myself and am very happy with my life.
One minor detail is now I have to work on my appearance. Since being happy and in love, comes the love pounds and handles and lumps that you find randomly while checking out your body. I didn't now my body stretched out so big since Jim and I had gotten together. He's a dear by not ever saying anything to me about it, he tells me I'm beautiful everyday and looks at me like no other man could ever look at me. And that makes me feel very secure in our relationship that he looks pasts his shallowness to really love me for who I am inside and out. And I never thought that this could ever be real.
Before I met Jim, I was a heartbroken playgirl who wanted to get back at the world for doing me wrong at any time, and made a vow to myself to never love a man again, or let a man ever be the number one thing in my life. I swore I'd never get married or be in a relationship because they just were not worth it to me. Out of my friends, I am the one who doesn't believe in happy endings or marriage. Now, after 4 years of being with someone as amazing as he is, I can' t imagine my life without him. There are days where I am so frustrated and annoyed at him and he does mess up sometimes, and I know it takes me a while to really forgive and move on, but that's the thing that I find really attractive about him. He'd do anything to fix what he did wrong, and gives me my space when I am upset and tries to cheer me up just when he knows I could still lash out and be pissy. He really does love me, even at my worst! How could that be even possible? Then when I ask myself that, I really do think that I am so lucky.
Hate to get all gaga and emotional about this but this is the first time I am truly ever written this down and seen it in words. It even shocks me that this is coming out of my mouth. I could be with him and just him and really be happy for the rest of my life :)
Anyways - onto the New Year! Hope everyone had a safe and fun celebration! I usually don't make resolutions because I never keep them but.. this year, the only thing I made a promise to myself was: HANDLE MY MONEY SITUATION!
- Meaning that I will put money in my saving a little bit at a time. AND NOT touch this for anything except for emergencies (for my car or something serious like that no shopping with it!). And to also catch up and pay off my debt. I want to aim at a really good credit score for myself. I am an adult now and I need to take care of myself financially because no one else will and the chances of hitting the lottery or Mega Millions is slim to none. Plus I am just not lucky when it comes to gambling or winning money at anything.
Take for instance: Situation #1 - I was in a "Survivor Pool" (involves the show) and well the person that I had from this recent season in Nicaragua Dan real estate man from the city! How ironic is that my guy doesn't do a darn thing ALL season, didn't participate in any challenges and never was a threat to anyone make it all the way to the last 5, and then get voted off. In the pool, I made it to the top 5, and 1-3 wins prizes! I was so close. ha ha. Situation #2 - Football fantasy. I made it top 4 and 1-3 and 5 pays out. JUST MY LUCK! Some people are just that lucky and are at the right time and right place!
Where I work, you can play Keno at the bar. Well I have a selected few customers who always win! Granted they play a lot and well you have to play to win, they do win. They are just that lucky! I've met a few people who have won $10,000 - one person who's won $100,000 - and a few others that won a few grand in a night! They are just that lucky! I on the other hand can go to the casino and spend everything and win nothing. The thing is I like to gamble. I only allow myself once in a great while and have started saving just change for extra money to go so that I don't touch the savings or the checking :)
I think I have addiction issues. I am addicted to online shopping, and shopping for anything in general, I am addicted to the computer. I am addicted to facebook. I am addicted to socializing. I don't mean severely addicted either I just mean when I like something, I like it obsessively. Yes I am a weird duck but hey it makes me think I'm interesting and well I guess in my head that's all that matters. ha ha.
I guess my main focus and life will always be to move forward and try to be keep being happy and optimistic about everything. I have a lot to work on with myself in future but I am slowly but surely liking the person that I've been becoming over the last 7 years. I am happy that i moved to Michigan. It has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. And I love that now looking back on the last 7 years it has been a lot of stages and change and growth.
I guess til' next time...
-Lizzie
I actually got this idea for this blog post while watching Julie & Julia. :)
11:48pm on a Monday Night and just got through my 7 day stretch at work and I have on more to go before I actually can relax. I think I'm looking forward to the day off so I'm getting through laundry right now and cleaning a little here and there the next two nights so that at least one of my options for Wednesday is to actually sit, watch a movie, maybe finish up laundry if I haven't already, and sip a glass of wine and savor at least a few moments to myself.
I honestly miss the days where I lived by myself or with a roommate that was never there, and sip wine, enjoy my thoughts and quiet and alone time. As much as I am outgoing, I can be very introvert at times. I guess you can blame my personality of being a Gemini with two split personalities at ALL times he he. The other day Jim (the boyfriend) and I were talking about personalities and our horoscopes. I am a deep believer in astrology and why we were born when we were and what makes us who we are. There always has to be an explanation. I'm not sure where my curiosity started up but tarot card readings, and psychics fascinate me. Sick and stupid obsessed I know but it's my thing, although I am deathly scared of ghosts and spirits. Go figure ha ha.
Anyways - we had googled two types of horoscopes, the American version and the Vietnamese version. (yes I use google for everything it has become apart of my vocabulary and it is my answer to everything there is in life. It TRULY is the brain I never had! ) In Asia, we believe in the year that you were born, that you were born into the year of an animal that would quickly explain your personality and why you are the way you are. Same was the American Astrological Chart.
So back to why I miss those days. It's not that I don't enjoy living with my wonderful boyfriend, I honestly believe in living with men over women. I am very selfish with my things and am not good at sharing at all. I've figured this out about myself a LONG time ago and have come to accept it. As much as I have moments where I miss those days, I still cherish that I have someone to come home to, and I always feel safe when he's here. And hey, living with a man, you'll never have missing clothing, hairspray, curling iron, make up and no cat fights. I wont say there aren't any fights, but at least cat fights.
I honestly don't think I could ever do the roommate thing again. The first group of girls I lived with, I loved the house and the situation but it was hard because we were split in the house with the age thing, and having a child in the house didn't help that either. The 2nd roommate situation was with my best friend, and I do love living with her. It just didn't work out. THEN I had a guy roommate (who ended up being my best friend's now husband) which was perfect. We had a lot of fun and he was a very cool roommate. When my best friend and him got together, they moved out and got a place of their own. Then my final roommate, well she was eccentric. Very fun girl to hang out with and party with, we had a blast living with each other, she was a crazy little one but also very fun at the same time. We both lived together and worked together which was fine, we even hung out in the same group of friends with the girls from work. I had a good time living with her, things turned sour when I started dating Jim. Plus it didn't help that I was a caught in a "he said she said" kind of situation with an ex boyfriend who also was my next door neighbor.
She said he tried to kiss her and HE said she was the one to come on to him one night when they were hanging out behind my back. I was 20 at the time and into the whole dramatic scene. The ex was a psycho and he was definitely a rebound from my ex boyfriend before him. I wish I could go back to looking like I did back then. After the terrible break- up with the ex ex boyfriend, I fell into a huge depression and began drinking and partying heavily and never eating. So I had lost about 40 lbs in two months. Not healthy I know but I was completely head over heels for this guy. I had lost my virginity to him and well, he just treated me badly and ran around town being who he was (a playboy). I don't blame him though, at the time we were young and stupid, I'm not making an excuse for him by any means but with time, I've slowly grown up and realized it's not healthy to thrive on the past and what people have done to you, you move on and try to be happy because life is too short. I hate to get all cheesy but it's true. For the first time in my life, I feel truly accomplished and proud of myself and am very happy with my life.
One minor detail is now I have to work on my appearance. Since being happy and in love, comes the love pounds and handles and lumps that you find randomly while checking out your body. I didn't now my body stretched out so big since Jim and I had gotten together. He's a dear by not ever saying anything to me about it, he tells me I'm beautiful everyday and looks at me like no other man could ever look at me. And that makes me feel very secure in our relationship that he looks pasts his shallowness to really love me for who I am inside and out. And I never thought that this could ever be real.
Before I met Jim, I was a heartbroken playgirl who wanted to get back at the world for doing me wrong at any time, and made a vow to myself to never love a man again, or let a man ever be the number one thing in my life. I swore I'd never get married or be in a relationship because they just were not worth it to me. Out of my friends, I am the one who doesn't believe in happy endings or marriage. Now, after 4 years of being with someone as amazing as he is, I can' t imagine my life without him. There are days where I am so frustrated and annoyed at him and he does mess up sometimes, and I know it takes me a while to really forgive and move on, but that's the thing that I find really attractive about him. He'd do anything to fix what he did wrong, and gives me my space when I am upset and tries to cheer me up just when he knows I could still lash out and be pissy. He really does love me, even at my worst! How could that be even possible? Then when I ask myself that, I really do think that I am so lucky.
Hate to get all gaga and emotional about this but this is the first time I am truly ever written this down and seen it in words. It even shocks me that this is coming out of my mouth. I could be with him and just him and really be happy for the rest of my life :)
Anyways - onto the New Year! Hope everyone had a safe and fun celebration! I usually don't make resolutions because I never keep them but.. this year, the only thing I made a promise to myself was: HANDLE MY MONEY SITUATION!
- Meaning that I will put money in my saving a little bit at a time. AND NOT touch this for anything except for emergencies (for my car or something serious like that no shopping with it!). And to also catch up and pay off my debt. I want to aim at a really good credit score for myself. I am an adult now and I need to take care of myself financially because no one else will and the chances of hitting the lottery or Mega Millions is slim to none. Plus I am just not lucky when it comes to gambling or winning money at anything.
Take for instance: Situation #1 - I was in a "Survivor Pool" (involves the show) and well the person that I had from this recent season in Nicaragua Dan real estate man from the city! How ironic is that my guy doesn't do a darn thing ALL season, didn't participate in any challenges and never was a threat to anyone make it all the way to the last 5, and then get voted off. In the pool, I made it to the top 5, and 1-3 wins prizes! I was so close. ha ha. Situation #2 - Football fantasy. I made it top 4 and 1-3 and 5 pays out. JUST MY LUCK! Some people are just that lucky and are at the right time and right place!
Where I work, you can play Keno at the bar. Well I have a selected few customers who always win! Granted they play a lot and well you have to play to win, they do win. They are just that lucky! I've met a few people who have won $10,000 - one person who's won $100,000 - and a few others that won a few grand in a night! They are just that lucky! I on the other hand can go to the casino and spend everything and win nothing. The thing is I like to gamble. I only allow myself once in a great while and have started saving just change for extra money to go so that I don't touch the savings or the checking :)
I think I have addiction issues. I am addicted to online shopping, and shopping for anything in general, I am addicted to the computer. I am addicted to facebook. I am addicted to socializing. I don't mean severely addicted either I just mean when I like something, I like it obsessively. Yes I am a weird duck but hey it makes me think I'm interesting and well I guess in my head that's all that matters. ha ha.
I guess my main focus and life will always be to move forward and try to be keep being happy and optimistic about everything. I have a lot to work on with myself in future but I am slowly but surely liking the person that I've been becoming over the last 7 years. I am happy that i moved to Michigan. It has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. And I love that now looking back on the last 7 years it has been a lot of stages and change and growth.
I guess til' next time...
-Lizzie
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