So I have decided. This is IT people!
When I look in the mirror I am just completely disgusted, YES DIS GUST ED with myself. BUT - in order for me to be happy, love myself and for others to feel the same way, I've got to change. I know everyone out there is probably thinking oh yea another one.. another one of these. but really what else do I have to write about? I mean talking about it to everyone is not going to help but at least with this process it'll help me motivate myself to be able to do what I need to do in order to achieve my goals.
"I've never been so motivated and determination to change my life around, so what if I'm a little shy of 25 years before figuring it all out, some people never do! :) "
quote from my own facebook page. If anyone knows me well enough to say, I get really antsy and I'm definitely SUPER impatient when it comes to achieving my goals. So as of last week, I changed my whole diet around. 5 small meals a day. This week, so far :
Day 1: First 7am wake up call to ease into getting up early. Eventually we will be jogging and going long distances.(oh and by WE i mean, the boyfriend and i). It was SO hard. Jim started last week, I was proud of him for making the initiative. It inspired me to want to do it with him so that we could have a healthy life style. I literally woke up and finally smelled the roses. I mean the thoughts in my head are: Wow i am so unhealthy. i hate the way i look. i hate the way i feel. i have no motivation for life. I'm about to 25 and I've done nothing I thought I was going to 10 years ago. I was soooooo motivated for life and do to EVERYTHING, and then it just went away. So I woke up Monday - and decided to go for a walk half asleep with my boyfriend just a few blocks to start. Then I went home and napped for 20 minutes before work. Worked an hour shift and then felt so great that I wanted to come home to work out to that Jillian Michaels DVD (30 day shred), and after that I wanted to take the puppies for a walk. I just pushed myself a little further.
Day 2: Today was rough! I woke up so sore all over. I mean the good kind of sore that everyone talks about when you work out hard and your muscles are moving around to re-adjust. I forced myself yet again to wake up but this time about a half hour earlier, we got done with our walk before 7am. I was pretty proud of myself. Another 20 minute nap, then work. Then home. Took the puppies for a short walk, and now sitting here debating on working out or saving my body for tomorrow morning. I want to try to ease into working out in the mornings too instead of at night because I feel like I have no day left when I get done with everything. On top of making dinner, doing dishes, maybe laundry and trying to find a little time to relax before bed. There really aren't enough hours in the day. So heres when I am so changing the way I that I think (if that makes sense) I'm sitting here debating if I want to work out tonight and then try to do it tomorrow as well to help ease the pain. Now the question is HOW BADLY DO I WANT THIS? I feel guilty for not doing it. And I feel like I can sneak it in, it's only 20 minutes and it'll help me get to my goal and I can always stop if it gets too hard. And I'll hate myself for not keeping up with it although I pushed myself so far yesterday. But honestly - all I want to do is take a hot shower and relax and ease into enjoying my day off like I always do. But I can relax as soon as I do the work out. So this is where my crazy mind is headed.
This is definitely the HARDEST thing that I've done my whole life but I am sick and tired of complaining about it and realize that it's my own fault and I need to change. So there's my answer, I will be working out. funny how its such a big debate. But this is where I feel like this time all I see is tunnel vision and I am really determined to do this. I've never been so determined about any of this before. Honestly I'm just lazy. lol.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
So Long to 2010 - HELLOOOOO 2011!
I understand that a lot of times I am a procrastinator which makes me delay a little on my thoughts and projects that I have going. So my goal for this year is to write more in my diary and in my blog. I understand that it probably won't get read but at least I know that I can go back in months and years time span and still read about myself for little details of my life.
I actually got this idea for this blog post while watching Julie & Julia. :)
11:48pm on a Monday Night and just got through my 7 day stretch at work and I have on more to go before I actually can relax. I think I'm looking forward to the day off so I'm getting through laundry right now and cleaning a little here and there the next two nights so that at least one of my options for Wednesday is to actually sit, watch a movie, maybe finish up laundry if I haven't already, and sip a glass of wine and savor at least a few moments to myself.
I honestly miss the days where I lived by myself or with a roommate that was never there, and sip wine, enjoy my thoughts and quiet and alone time. As much as I am outgoing, I can be very introvert at times. I guess you can blame my personality of being a Gemini with two split personalities at ALL times he he. The other day Jim (the boyfriend) and I were talking about personalities and our horoscopes. I am a deep believer in astrology and why we were born when we were and what makes us who we are. There always has to be an explanation. I'm not sure where my curiosity started up but tarot card readings, and psychics fascinate me. Sick and stupid obsessed I know but it's my thing, although I am deathly scared of ghosts and spirits. Go figure ha ha.
Anyways - we had googled two types of horoscopes, the American version and the Vietnamese version. (yes I use google for everything it has become apart of my vocabulary and it is my answer to everything there is in life. It TRULY is the brain I never had! ) In Asia, we believe in the year that you were born, that you were born into the year of an animal that would quickly explain your personality and why you are the way you are. Same was the American Astrological Chart.
So back to why I miss those days. It's not that I don't enjoy living with my wonderful boyfriend, I honestly believe in living with men over women. I am very selfish with my things and am not good at sharing at all. I've figured this out about myself a LONG time ago and have come to accept it. As much as I have moments where I miss those days, I still cherish that I have someone to come home to, and I always feel safe when he's here. And hey, living with a man, you'll never have missing clothing, hairspray, curling iron, make up and no cat fights. I wont say there aren't any fights, but at least cat fights.
I honestly don't think I could ever do the roommate thing again. The first group of girls I lived with, I loved the house and the situation but it was hard because we were split in the house with the age thing, and having a child in the house didn't help that either. The 2nd roommate situation was with my best friend, and I do love living with her. It just didn't work out. THEN I had a guy roommate (who ended up being my best friend's now husband) which was perfect. We had a lot of fun and he was a very cool roommate. When my best friend and him got together, they moved out and got a place of their own. Then my final roommate, well she was eccentric. Very fun girl to hang out with and party with, we had a blast living with each other, she was a crazy little one but also very fun at the same time. We both lived together and worked together which was fine, we even hung out in the same group of friends with the girls from work. I had a good time living with her, things turned sour when I started dating Jim. Plus it didn't help that I was a caught in a "he said she said" kind of situation with an ex boyfriend who also was my next door neighbor.
She said he tried to kiss her and HE said she was the one to come on to him one night when they were hanging out behind my back. I was 20 at the time and into the whole dramatic scene. The ex was a psycho and he was definitely a rebound from my ex boyfriend before him. I wish I could go back to looking like I did back then. After the terrible break- up with the ex ex boyfriend, I fell into a huge depression and began drinking and partying heavily and never eating. So I had lost about 40 lbs in two months. Not healthy I know but I was completely head over heels for this guy. I had lost my virginity to him and well, he just treated me badly and ran around town being who he was (a playboy). I don't blame him though, at the time we were young and stupid, I'm not making an excuse for him by any means but with time, I've slowly grown up and realized it's not healthy to thrive on the past and what people have done to you, you move on and try to be happy because life is too short. I hate to get all cheesy but it's true. For the first time in my life, I feel truly accomplished and proud of myself and am very happy with my life.
One minor detail is now I have to work on my appearance. Since being happy and in love, comes the love pounds and handles and lumps that you find randomly while checking out your body. I didn't now my body stretched out so big since Jim and I had gotten together. He's a dear by not ever saying anything to me about it, he tells me I'm beautiful everyday and looks at me like no other man could ever look at me. And that makes me feel very secure in our relationship that he looks pasts his shallowness to really love me for who I am inside and out. And I never thought that this could ever be real.
Before I met Jim, I was a heartbroken playgirl who wanted to get back at the world for doing me wrong at any time, and made a vow to myself to never love a man again, or let a man ever be the number one thing in my life. I swore I'd never get married or be in a relationship because they just were not worth it to me. Out of my friends, I am the one who doesn't believe in happy endings or marriage. Now, after 4 years of being with someone as amazing as he is, I can' t imagine my life without him. There are days where I am so frustrated and annoyed at him and he does mess up sometimes, and I know it takes me a while to really forgive and move on, but that's the thing that I find really attractive about him. He'd do anything to fix what he did wrong, and gives me my space when I am upset and tries to cheer me up just when he knows I could still lash out and be pissy. He really does love me, even at my worst! How could that be even possible? Then when I ask myself that, I really do think that I am so lucky.
Hate to get all gaga and emotional about this but this is the first time I am truly ever written this down and seen it in words. It even shocks me that this is coming out of my mouth. I could be with him and just him and really be happy for the rest of my life :)
Anyways - onto the New Year! Hope everyone had a safe and fun celebration! I usually don't make resolutions because I never keep them but.. this year, the only thing I made a promise to myself was: HANDLE MY MONEY SITUATION!
- Meaning that I will put money in my saving a little bit at a time. AND NOT touch this for anything except for emergencies (for my car or something serious like that no shopping with it!). And to also catch up and pay off my debt. I want to aim at a really good credit score for myself. I am an adult now and I need to take care of myself financially because no one else will and the chances of hitting the lottery or Mega Millions is slim to none. Plus I am just not lucky when it comes to gambling or winning money at anything.
Take for instance: Situation #1 - I was in a "Survivor Pool" (involves the show) and well the person that I had from this recent season in Nicaragua Dan real estate man from the city! How ironic is that my guy doesn't do a darn thing ALL season, didn't participate in any challenges and never was a threat to anyone make it all the way to the last 5, and then get voted off. In the pool, I made it to the top 5, and 1-3 wins prizes! I was so close. ha ha. Situation #2 - Football fantasy. I made it top 4 and 1-3 and 5 pays out. JUST MY LUCK! Some people are just that lucky and are at the right time and right place!
Where I work, you can play Keno at the bar. Well I have a selected few customers who always win! Granted they play a lot and well you have to play to win, they do win. They are just that lucky! I've met a few people who have won $10,000 - one person who's won $100,000 - and a few others that won a few grand in a night! They are just that lucky! I on the other hand can go to the casino and spend everything and win nothing. The thing is I like to gamble. I only allow myself once in a great while and have started saving just change for extra money to go so that I don't touch the savings or the checking :)
I think I have addiction issues. I am addicted to online shopping, and shopping for anything in general, I am addicted to the computer. I am addicted to facebook. I am addicted to socializing. I don't mean severely addicted either I just mean when I like something, I like it obsessively. Yes I am a weird duck but hey it makes me think I'm interesting and well I guess in my head that's all that matters. ha ha.
I guess my main focus and life will always be to move forward and try to be keep being happy and optimistic about everything. I have a lot to work on with myself in future but I am slowly but surely liking the person that I've been becoming over the last 7 years. I am happy that i moved to Michigan. It has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. And I love that now looking back on the last 7 years it has been a lot of stages and change and growth.
I guess til' next time...
-Lizzie
I actually got this idea for this blog post while watching Julie & Julia. :)
11:48pm on a Monday Night and just got through my 7 day stretch at work and I have on more to go before I actually can relax. I think I'm looking forward to the day off so I'm getting through laundry right now and cleaning a little here and there the next two nights so that at least one of my options for Wednesday is to actually sit, watch a movie, maybe finish up laundry if I haven't already, and sip a glass of wine and savor at least a few moments to myself.
I honestly miss the days where I lived by myself or with a roommate that was never there, and sip wine, enjoy my thoughts and quiet and alone time. As much as I am outgoing, I can be very introvert at times. I guess you can blame my personality of being a Gemini with two split personalities at ALL times he he. The other day Jim (the boyfriend) and I were talking about personalities and our horoscopes. I am a deep believer in astrology and why we were born when we were and what makes us who we are. There always has to be an explanation. I'm not sure where my curiosity started up but tarot card readings, and psychics fascinate me. Sick and stupid obsessed I know but it's my thing, although I am deathly scared of ghosts and spirits. Go figure ha ha.
Anyways - we had googled two types of horoscopes, the American version and the Vietnamese version. (yes I use google for everything it has become apart of my vocabulary and it is my answer to everything there is in life. It TRULY is the brain I never had! ) In Asia, we believe in the year that you were born, that you were born into the year of an animal that would quickly explain your personality and why you are the way you are. Same was the American Astrological Chart.
So back to why I miss those days. It's not that I don't enjoy living with my wonderful boyfriend, I honestly believe in living with men over women. I am very selfish with my things and am not good at sharing at all. I've figured this out about myself a LONG time ago and have come to accept it. As much as I have moments where I miss those days, I still cherish that I have someone to come home to, and I always feel safe when he's here. And hey, living with a man, you'll never have missing clothing, hairspray, curling iron, make up and no cat fights. I wont say there aren't any fights, but at least cat fights.
I honestly don't think I could ever do the roommate thing again. The first group of girls I lived with, I loved the house and the situation but it was hard because we were split in the house with the age thing, and having a child in the house didn't help that either. The 2nd roommate situation was with my best friend, and I do love living with her. It just didn't work out. THEN I had a guy roommate (who ended up being my best friend's now husband) which was perfect. We had a lot of fun and he was a very cool roommate. When my best friend and him got together, they moved out and got a place of their own. Then my final roommate, well she was eccentric. Very fun girl to hang out with and party with, we had a blast living with each other, she was a crazy little one but also very fun at the same time. We both lived together and worked together which was fine, we even hung out in the same group of friends with the girls from work. I had a good time living with her, things turned sour when I started dating Jim. Plus it didn't help that I was a caught in a "he said she said" kind of situation with an ex boyfriend who also was my next door neighbor.
She said he tried to kiss her and HE said she was the one to come on to him one night when they were hanging out behind my back. I was 20 at the time and into the whole dramatic scene. The ex was a psycho and he was definitely a rebound from my ex boyfriend before him. I wish I could go back to looking like I did back then. After the terrible break- up with the ex ex boyfriend, I fell into a huge depression and began drinking and partying heavily and never eating. So I had lost about 40 lbs in two months. Not healthy I know but I was completely head over heels for this guy. I had lost my virginity to him and well, he just treated me badly and ran around town being who he was (a playboy). I don't blame him though, at the time we were young and stupid, I'm not making an excuse for him by any means but with time, I've slowly grown up and realized it's not healthy to thrive on the past and what people have done to you, you move on and try to be happy because life is too short. I hate to get all cheesy but it's true. For the first time in my life, I feel truly accomplished and proud of myself and am very happy with my life.
One minor detail is now I have to work on my appearance. Since being happy and in love, comes the love pounds and handles and lumps that you find randomly while checking out your body. I didn't now my body stretched out so big since Jim and I had gotten together. He's a dear by not ever saying anything to me about it, he tells me I'm beautiful everyday and looks at me like no other man could ever look at me. And that makes me feel very secure in our relationship that he looks pasts his shallowness to really love me for who I am inside and out. And I never thought that this could ever be real.
Before I met Jim, I was a heartbroken playgirl who wanted to get back at the world for doing me wrong at any time, and made a vow to myself to never love a man again, or let a man ever be the number one thing in my life. I swore I'd never get married or be in a relationship because they just were not worth it to me. Out of my friends, I am the one who doesn't believe in happy endings or marriage. Now, after 4 years of being with someone as amazing as he is, I can' t imagine my life without him. There are days where I am so frustrated and annoyed at him and he does mess up sometimes, and I know it takes me a while to really forgive and move on, but that's the thing that I find really attractive about him. He'd do anything to fix what he did wrong, and gives me my space when I am upset and tries to cheer me up just when he knows I could still lash out and be pissy. He really does love me, even at my worst! How could that be even possible? Then when I ask myself that, I really do think that I am so lucky.
Hate to get all gaga and emotional about this but this is the first time I am truly ever written this down and seen it in words. It even shocks me that this is coming out of my mouth. I could be with him and just him and really be happy for the rest of my life :)
Anyways - onto the New Year! Hope everyone had a safe and fun celebration! I usually don't make resolutions because I never keep them but.. this year, the only thing I made a promise to myself was: HANDLE MY MONEY SITUATION!
- Meaning that I will put money in my saving a little bit at a time. AND NOT touch this for anything except for emergencies (for my car or something serious like that no shopping with it!). And to also catch up and pay off my debt. I want to aim at a really good credit score for myself. I am an adult now and I need to take care of myself financially because no one else will and the chances of hitting the lottery or Mega Millions is slim to none. Plus I am just not lucky when it comes to gambling or winning money at anything.
Take for instance: Situation #1 - I was in a "Survivor Pool" (involves the show) and well the person that I had from this recent season in Nicaragua Dan real estate man from the city! How ironic is that my guy doesn't do a darn thing ALL season, didn't participate in any challenges and never was a threat to anyone make it all the way to the last 5, and then get voted off. In the pool, I made it to the top 5, and 1-3 wins prizes! I was so close. ha ha. Situation #2 - Football fantasy. I made it top 4 and 1-3 and 5 pays out. JUST MY LUCK! Some people are just that lucky and are at the right time and right place!
Where I work, you can play Keno at the bar. Well I have a selected few customers who always win! Granted they play a lot and well you have to play to win, they do win. They are just that lucky! I've met a few people who have won $10,000 - one person who's won $100,000 - and a few others that won a few grand in a night! They are just that lucky! I on the other hand can go to the casino and spend everything and win nothing. The thing is I like to gamble. I only allow myself once in a great while and have started saving just change for extra money to go so that I don't touch the savings or the checking :)
I think I have addiction issues. I am addicted to online shopping, and shopping for anything in general, I am addicted to the computer. I am addicted to facebook. I am addicted to socializing. I don't mean severely addicted either I just mean when I like something, I like it obsessively. Yes I am a weird duck but hey it makes me think I'm interesting and well I guess in my head that's all that matters. ha ha.
I guess my main focus and life will always be to move forward and try to be keep being happy and optimistic about everything. I have a lot to work on with myself in future but I am slowly but surely liking the person that I've been becoming over the last 7 years. I am happy that i moved to Michigan. It has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. And I love that now looking back on the last 7 years it has been a lot of stages and change and growth.
I guess til' next time...
-Lizzie
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
i HATE holidays.
What does Christmas Time mean to you? Scratch that.. What do the holidays mean to you if you celebrate them? Is it all just a cliche, and another hallmark holiday season for all the stores and economy to boost up sales and gain money?
- People may now that I am not big on the holidays. It stems back from when I was a child, It's tough opening up in a blog because I don't want people to judge or pity me for who I am or what I have experienced in the past. That's the key, it's ALL in the past. I am who I am today because of it but I also know that I came from nothing and that's it, it's just nothing. There are only a handful of people who truly know me for who I am and about the past.
Honestly - I USED to love Christmas. Being born and raised into a Catholic-Vietnamese family, my mother was super religious when it came to her faith. She always made us go to church on Sundays and if we couldn't make it because of weather, I remember she'd make us stay in our rooms and beds until we said our prayers 50 times. She's been raised this way, and it's just in her family's blood to have such faith in God, and the Catholic religion. She I don't have a lot of memories of her, but my mind has photographic memories that play into movies when I think of her, or see a picture. It's really weird how it's like a movie in my mind that plays back. Sometimes it can get really depressing but sometimes it's nice to lay in bed next to my boyfriend and just cry and reply all the good memories I had with my mother.
She always made Christmas extremely special for my brother and I. I remember putting up the Christmas Tree at a young age, and we'd get all dressed up in our Christmas Sweaters, and candy canes and pose in photos. I actually still have one of our family photos in the original frame to this day sitting on our bookshelf in the living room. My dad is so young in it. I'd say He was in his late 30's/early 40's, and my mother was only 2 years behind him. I was such a daddy's girl and my brother was such a mama's boy. I wish I had a video cassette player sometimes, when my dad got remarried in 1997, I went into his room and stole old videos from my childhood. It's been years since I've seen them, but I still like to know that they are with me. I used to play them all the time only on the day that she had passed every year, but then I realized that I missed her voice a lot, so I'd play it from time to time. Even writing about the videos make me want to dig through the boxes and run to Walmart to get a video cassette player real fast.
Anyways - back to Christmas.. What a great time of the year. I remember being a kid and being so excited to get presents on Christmas morning, then having my moms sister, and her kids over or going up to their place. I remember decorating the house, and how my mom would make crazy yummy Asian dishes! The house just smelt amazing. She was such an amazing cook. I guess that's why when I go back to Connecticut, I always want to go to my Aunt's house because she is the only person who has ever, EVER made Vietnamese food like my mother did. I mean, given the fact that they are sisters would explain it. I'm so grateful for my aunt, she's also my God Mother. She's been such an amazing woman, she made a promise to herself that she'd always look after my brother and I after my mom passed. I'm even more thankful that her kids, my two beautiful Cousins, shared their mom with my brother and I. I used to go there when I was old enough by myself for the summer to spend with the girls. I always hated my step mom and my dad and I had an estranged relationship, and I wasn't close to my dad's side of the family or my brother so I felt like I was more wanted by my Aunt and two cousins. So I always went up there instead. It was hard to feel excepted by anyone but them. I always felt in the way, or never good enough to be apart of my dad's "new" family.
At first after my mom passed, things didn't change drastically. We still went to my dad's side of the family for Christmas and had a blast there. I guess where things really started to change was when my dad got remarried. You see my step mom was never accepted by my dad's side of the family because she had always caused SO much drama between my cousins and my aunts and uncles that, no one ever liked her. No one still does. She'd go and lie about stuff to my dad to make her look good and then blame it on his sisters being so mean to him and etc. stupid stuff like that basically pulling him away. But I don't blame my dad. I mean what do you do u? You're with this woman that you love and she is your wife, she's carrying your child, who's side do you take? I felt so bad for my dad sometimes because he was always stuck in the middle of all the drama. All he wanted was a family again, he missed his first wife, and she got taken away from him so soon. My mom was only 41 when she passed, my dad was 43. He waited til he was 47 to get married again, even then he wanted more kids. Tragedies happen, but life's too short to dwell on them...why life in the past?
As for the past 13 years I have not celebrated Christmas. I'd always go over a friend's for a sleepover, or just lock myself in my room. My cousins on my dad's side still made an effort to come over and drop off gifts for my brother and I until I turned about 16 or 17. My dad started to make Christmas all about my half brother. Granted I don't blame him since Louie was the youngest one and Christmas is always special for kids. But it would have been nice to be included in the things that your family does. My dad stopped buying us presents and he'd only invite us to eat what was leftover what they had, had. Most of the time Phil and I wouldn't care. It just became this slow seclusion, and it wasn't special anymore. But to me it was okay because I already knew that in that house there were two families separated.
So when I moved out on my own, I still had the attitude that I didn't like Christmas for that reason, and i still don't. The first year I lived out here in Michigan my roommates tried to make it so special for me. My best friend who I moved out here with, her sister, and her sister's (then) girlfriend, and her child. It was special because for the first time in years I felt like sometime went out of their way to make me happy on that day because they wanted to, and I didn't feel disowned. About a year later I moved out into my own apartment. I got another roommate (my now best friends husband) Adam. I spent that Christmas with his family. Still I didn't feel apart of anything. And of course it still wasn't the same. The year after that I was alone. I had lived with another roommate, and she went back to her family to Chicago. She had invited me to go along with her but honestly I just thought what was the use? I still hated Christmas and no matter what I was going to be alone anyways so it didn't matter.
I always felt awkward tagging along to other people's families for Christmas. Turns out a guy that I had been seeing came over, and spent the night watching Christmas movies and hanging out with me at my apartment. He invited me over to his family's but I told him it was okay I just wanted to be by myself. He showed up in the snow after Christmas dinner with his family, and told me "no one should be alone on Christmas". SWEETEST thing ever. We never got serious though but to this day, I still have never thanked him for doing that for me. I mean granted he's married and living his happily ever after right now, and I'm in a relationship but I still can't believe a person who I barely even knew, did that for me.
Now my Christmas is spent with amazing people but still I will always feel like I don't belong. Jim's family is amazing. They've come to adopt me into their family. This will be my 4th Christmas with them. I will always get sad.. around this time of the year, I can't help it. I appreciate Jim so much for trying so hard to make it a special time for me. He'll never truly understand how it feels to be me, but he does try really hard to change things and make them better for me and that's all I could ever ask for from him.
The other day we got into a tiff before putting the Christmas Tree up. Of course my temper and anger shoots up in less than .5 seconds ALL the time because I'm irrational when it comes to my anger, yet again another thing I just can't help. He didn't see why I was upset because for the past 3 Christmas' that we've had together, he still hangs up ornaments and decorations that he did with his EX wife. I thought Christmas was supposed to be about starting our OWN traditions, with our OWN decorations and ornaments.. He didn't understand why it bothered me so much. I will always have an issue with him having an ex wife because HE has been there, HE has done this before, HE has been married before. I haven't. I haven't done any of this. I don't want to be the replacement girl that he just takes to places that she's been. I want us to go to new places. I want us to start new traditions. It hurts my feelings because it's like he's hanging onto a past that will never be again.. And also it's so disrespectful, I told him it would be like me, going out of my way to put up pictures of my exes all over OUR house that WE pay for to have THEIR memory in OUR HOUSE. I would never do that to him. For him to put up ornaments that share a memory with HER on OUR tree that WE pay for, in OUR house that WE pay for, to me is disrespectful. He said he didn't know that it bothered me that much. I told him no wonder why I hate Christmas... I never really feel like I belong anywhere... I feel like I'm always invading in on someone else's life when it comes to the holidays because EVERYONE has their own traditions already and I didn't get a chance to have that.
Now our tree is bare because he said if it means that much to me he will donate the ornaments somewhere. Of course that makes me feel like a terrible person because Christmas means so much to him. But how do you make it fair for the NEW girlfriend, and the NEW relationship when you're holding onto memories and things that you shared with someone else? And then try to balance his great memories for his amazing Christmas' that he's had? Jim's always been crazy about Christmas. He comes from an amazing family. He comes from Love, from people who love him, people who never put him down, people who are proud of him, people who tell him that they love him, people that try to stay close and make it a point to see each other for annual family outings, he comes from Love.
I don't know what that's like so it's hard for me to really accept emotions. Brick walls are all I see. My family is my friends but even then sometimes I don't feel like I truly belong. Never feel good enough. I'm awkward with people, I always have been. The good ones always seem to surprise me though :)
- People may now that I am not big on the holidays. It stems back from when I was a child, It's tough opening up in a blog because I don't want people to judge or pity me for who I am or what I have experienced in the past. That's the key, it's ALL in the past. I am who I am today because of it but I also know that I came from nothing and that's it, it's just nothing. There are only a handful of people who truly know me for who I am and about the past.
Honestly - I USED to love Christmas. Being born and raised into a Catholic-Vietnamese family, my mother was super religious when it came to her faith. She always made us go to church on Sundays and if we couldn't make it because of weather, I remember she'd make us stay in our rooms and beds until we said our prayers 50 times. She's been raised this way, and it's just in her family's blood to have such faith in God, and the Catholic religion. She I don't have a lot of memories of her, but my mind has photographic memories that play into movies when I think of her, or see a picture. It's really weird how it's like a movie in my mind that plays back. Sometimes it can get really depressing but sometimes it's nice to lay in bed next to my boyfriend and just cry and reply all the good memories I had with my mother.
She always made Christmas extremely special for my brother and I. I remember putting up the Christmas Tree at a young age, and we'd get all dressed up in our Christmas Sweaters, and candy canes and pose in photos. I actually still have one of our family photos in the original frame to this day sitting on our bookshelf in the living room. My dad is so young in it. I'd say He was in his late 30's/early 40's, and my mother was only 2 years behind him. I was such a daddy's girl and my brother was such a mama's boy. I wish I had a video cassette player sometimes, when my dad got remarried in 1997, I went into his room and stole old videos from my childhood. It's been years since I've seen them, but I still like to know that they are with me. I used to play them all the time only on the day that she had passed every year, but then I realized that I missed her voice a lot, so I'd play it from time to time. Even writing about the videos make me want to dig through the boxes and run to Walmart to get a video cassette player real fast.
Anyways - back to Christmas.. What a great time of the year. I remember being a kid and being so excited to get presents on Christmas morning, then having my moms sister, and her kids over or going up to their place. I remember decorating the house, and how my mom would make crazy yummy Asian dishes! The house just smelt amazing. She was such an amazing cook. I guess that's why when I go back to Connecticut, I always want to go to my Aunt's house because she is the only person who has ever, EVER made Vietnamese food like my mother did. I mean, given the fact that they are sisters would explain it. I'm so grateful for my aunt, she's also my God Mother. She's been such an amazing woman, she made a promise to herself that she'd always look after my brother and I after my mom passed. I'm even more thankful that her kids, my two beautiful Cousins, shared their mom with my brother and I. I used to go there when I was old enough by myself for the summer to spend with the girls. I always hated my step mom and my dad and I had an estranged relationship, and I wasn't close to my dad's side of the family or my brother so I felt like I was more wanted by my Aunt and two cousins. So I always went up there instead. It was hard to feel excepted by anyone but them. I always felt in the way, or never good enough to be apart of my dad's "new" family.
At first after my mom passed, things didn't change drastically. We still went to my dad's side of the family for Christmas and had a blast there. I guess where things really started to change was when my dad got remarried. You see my step mom was never accepted by my dad's side of the family because she had always caused SO much drama between my cousins and my aunts and uncles that, no one ever liked her. No one still does. She'd go and lie about stuff to my dad to make her look good and then blame it on his sisters being so mean to him and etc. stupid stuff like that basically pulling him away. But I don't blame my dad. I mean what do you do u? You're with this woman that you love and she is your wife, she's carrying your child, who's side do you take? I felt so bad for my dad sometimes because he was always stuck in the middle of all the drama. All he wanted was a family again, he missed his first wife, and she got taken away from him so soon. My mom was only 41 when she passed, my dad was 43. He waited til he was 47 to get married again, even then he wanted more kids. Tragedies happen, but life's too short to dwell on them...why life in the past?
As for the past 13 years I have not celebrated Christmas. I'd always go over a friend's for a sleepover, or just lock myself in my room. My cousins on my dad's side still made an effort to come over and drop off gifts for my brother and I until I turned about 16 or 17. My dad started to make Christmas all about my half brother. Granted I don't blame him since Louie was the youngest one and Christmas is always special for kids. But it would have been nice to be included in the things that your family does. My dad stopped buying us presents and he'd only invite us to eat what was leftover what they had, had. Most of the time Phil and I wouldn't care. It just became this slow seclusion, and it wasn't special anymore. But to me it was okay because I already knew that in that house there were two families separated.
So when I moved out on my own, I still had the attitude that I didn't like Christmas for that reason, and i still don't. The first year I lived out here in Michigan my roommates tried to make it so special for me. My best friend who I moved out here with, her sister, and her sister's (then) girlfriend, and her child. It was special because for the first time in years I felt like sometime went out of their way to make me happy on that day because they wanted to, and I didn't feel disowned. About a year later I moved out into my own apartment. I got another roommate (my now best friends husband) Adam. I spent that Christmas with his family. Still I didn't feel apart of anything. And of course it still wasn't the same. The year after that I was alone. I had lived with another roommate, and she went back to her family to Chicago. She had invited me to go along with her but honestly I just thought what was the use? I still hated Christmas and no matter what I was going to be alone anyways so it didn't matter.
I always felt awkward tagging along to other people's families for Christmas. Turns out a guy that I had been seeing came over, and spent the night watching Christmas movies and hanging out with me at my apartment. He invited me over to his family's but I told him it was okay I just wanted to be by myself. He showed up in the snow after Christmas dinner with his family, and told me "no one should be alone on Christmas". SWEETEST thing ever. We never got serious though but to this day, I still have never thanked him for doing that for me. I mean granted he's married and living his happily ever after right now, and I'm in a relationship but I still can't believe a person who I barely even knew, did that for me.
Now my Christmas is spent with amazing people but still I will always feel like I don't belong. Jim's family is amazing. They've come to adopt me into their family. This will be my 4th Christmas with them. I will always get sad.. around this time of the year, I can't help it. I appreciate Jim so much for trying so hard to make it a special time for me. He'll never truly understand how it feels to be me, but he does try really hard to change things and make them better for me and that's all I could ever ask for from him.
The other day we got into a tiff before putting the Christmas Tree up. Of course my temper and anger shoots up in less than .5 seconds ALL the time because I'm irrational when it comes to my anger, yet again another thing I just can't help. He didn't see why I was upset because for the past 3 Christmas' that we've had together, he still hangs up ornaments and decorations that he did with his EX wife. I thought Christmas was supposed to be about starting our OWN traditions, with our OWN decorations and ornaments.. He didn't understand why it bothered me so much. I will always have an issue with him having an ex wife because HE has been there, HE has done this before, HE has been married before. I haven't. I haven't done any of this. I don't want to be the replacement girl that he just takes to places that she's been. I want us to go to new places. I want us to start new traditions. It hurts my feelings because it's like he's hanging onto a past that will never be again.. And also it's so disrespectful, I told him it would be like me, going out of my way to put up pictures of my exes all over OUR house that WE pay for to have THEIR memory in OUR HOUSE. I would never do that to him. For him to put up ornaments that share a memory with HER on OUR tree that WE pay for, in OUR house that WE pay for, to me is disrespectful. He said he didn't know that it bothered me that much. I told him no wonder why I hate Christmas... I never really feel like I belong anywhere... I feel like I'm always invading in on someone else's life when it comes to the holidays because EVERYONE has their own traditions already and I didn't get a chance to have that.
Now our tree is bare because he said if it means that much to me he will donate the ornaments somewhere. Of course that makes me feel like a terrible person because Christmas means so much to him. But how do you make it fair for the NEW girlfriend, and the NEW relationship when you're holding onto memories and things that you shared with someone else? And then try to balance his great memories for his amazing Christmas' that he's had? Jim's always been crazy about Christmas. He comes from an amazing family. He comes from Love, from people who love him, people who never put him down, people who are proud of him, people who tell him that they love him, people that try to stay close and make it a point to see each other for annual family outings, he comes from Love.
I don't know what that's like so it's hard for me to really accept emotions. Brick walls are all I see. My family is my friends but even then sometimes I don't feel like I truly belong. Never feel good enough. I'm awkward with people, I always have been. The good ones always seem to surprise me though :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
The Difference between "Loving" someone and the "Being IN Love" with someone...
...What is your interpretation of Love? To you is there a difference between "loving" someone or "being in love" with someone? Do you think that men and women have different views of both?
- I have been contemplating this theory for a while now, and it only comes from experience. I have only ever been told once in my life (not by my current boyfriend) from someone that they were "in love" with me. And that was someone that I did not feel the same way about. That got me thinking...to me, I think there is a HUGE difference. You can love and have love for many people for many different reasons but to be "truly in love" with someone takes so much more. You can have love for your dog, cat, aunt, uncle, mom, dad, brother, sister, best friends, friends, people in general, etc. But to experience the rare bliss of "being in love" with a significant other is completely rare.
Take a step back, and really think about relationships you've had in the past. In Middle School or High School most people will call that your "first love" or "puppy love" because that's where some get to experience their first loves. How many of those relationships stay forever? How many of them actually work out to where they end up getting married, have kids, or how many of them just vanish? How do you really know at such a young age you want to be with that person for the rest of your life? I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I'm saying that it doesn't happen as often as it did maybe 50/60 years ago. I know of this one couple who have been together forever, I don't know them personally but from the outside looking in, they have been happy for the past 10 years. Met in high school (or maybe earlier), and started dating. Now they are engaged and are well on their way to their happy ending. I think that's the rare kind of puppy love that grows into something more.
Is it because you already know going into a relationship that you instantly want to be with that person for the rest of your life? If so, why do most people get divorced after a couple of years of being together? I was watching a documentary from Netflix the other day called "The Sexual Intelligence"... and also I saw another one called "The Science of Sex Appeal" - and they both gave me such a different outlook on life and human beings and why we are the way we are. Why we are not meant for monogamy, and why most relationships only last up to 4 years. I can' t really explain it all because there is so much information that would completely boggle your mind. The Science behind a human anatomy and brain is completely different on what you would think it would be. It also explained why unconsciously we pick the partners that we do. Why we are attracted to certain people and their features. It doesn't have a lot to do with just their looks but the points in their face, eyes, nose, ears, lips, cheek bones etc..
Then from there it goes on to say that's just the attraction part, then we go on (especially women) to judge a person's characteristics and lifestyles to see which person fits best with our requirements for an exceptable partner. I've always wonder why everyone's tastes in people are so different from one another. I don't believe everything that documentary had said but it did open my eyes up to a little bit more than what I've been told as a kid. I never knew how much science had to do with the world itself. Yes I might sound naive saying this Science was never one of my best subjects in school. Now that this is an interest for me I'm sure I will be judging science differently.
Wow completely going off on a rant.. back to the original subject...
Why I am writing about this is because I was just sitting here watching Private Practice, and the guy (I'm not sure what the character's name is) said to his girlfriend.. "I am in love with you, I love you, you have me, I am completely here for you"... Maybe it's just me or maybe people can just say those words out in the open like that without even thinking about how they have to say it.
All I ever wanted in my life was to have a love and relationship like my parents did. From my eyes they had the perfect relationship. They met through mutual friends and had the same goals in life. To have a big family and to be happy. They came here from Vietnam with nothing in their hands but the clothing on their backs and have gone through a lot of tragedies to get to where were. I only say where because my mother is no longer with us. My dad on the other hand is completely successful.
I put LOVE on such a pedistal only because from what I have seen in my parents eyes. My dad treated my mom like a princess. He appreciated everything that she did for him. He'd come home from a long day of work, and she'd have dinner on the table waiting for him. She was excited to see him when he got home. I don't want to tute my own horn but to me, we had the perfect family. I don't want a family or children but I'd like to share that kind of LOVE with man like my parents did. To have something so rare find you and to top it off with happiness, what else could you ask for?
I just hope one day I can find someone who thinks that I'm worth all of those things, and tells me so that I know everyday of my life, that I was their number one.
- I have been contemplating this theory for a while now, and it only comes from experience. I have only ever been told once in my life (not by my current boyfriend) from someone that they were "in love" with me. And that was someone that I did not feel the same way about. That got me thinking...to me, I think there is a HUGE difference. You can love and have love for many people for many different reasons but to be "truly in love" with someone takes so much more. You can have love for your dog, cat, aunt, uncle, mom, dad, brother, sister, best friends, friends, people in general, etc. But to experience the rare bliss of "being in love" with a significant other is completely rare.
Take a step back, and really think about relationships you've had in the past. In Middle School or High School most people will call that your "first love" or "puppy love" because that's where some get to experience their first loves. How many of those relationships stay forever? How many of them actually work out to where they end up getting married, have kids, or how many of them just vanish? How do you really know at such a young age you want to be with that person for the rest of your life? I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I'm saying that it doesn't happen as often as it did maybe 50/60 years ago. I know of this one couple who have been together forever, I don't know them personally but from the outside looking in, they have been happy for the past 10 years. Met in high school (or maybe earlier), and started dating. Now they are engaged and are well on their way to their happy ending. I think that's the rare kind of puppy love that grows into something more.
Is it because you already know going into a relationship that you instantly want to be with that person for the rest of your life? If so, why do most people get divorced after a couple of years of being together? I was watching a documentary from Netflix the other day called "The Sexual Intelligence"... and also I saw another one called "The Science of Sex Appeal" - and they both gave me such a different outlook on life and human beings and why we are the way we are. Why we are not meant for monogamy, and why most relationships only last up to 4 years. I can' t really explain it all because there is so much information that would completely boggle your mind. The Science behind a human anatomy and brain is completely different on what you would think it would be. It also explained why unconsciously we pick the partners that we do. Why we are attracted to certain people and their features. It doesn't have a lot to do with just their looks but the points in their face, eyes, nose, ears, lips, cheek bones etc..
Then from there it goes on to say that's just the attraction part, then we go on (especially women) to judge a person's characteristics and lifestyles to see which person fits best with our requirements for an exceptable partner. I've always wonder why everyone's tastes in people are so different from one another. I don't believe everything that documentary had said but it did open my eyes up to a little bit more than what I've been told as a kid. I never knew how much science had to do with the world itself. Yes I might sound naive saying this Science was never one of my best subjects in school. Now that this is an interest for me I'm sure I will be judging science differently.
Wow completely going off on a rant.. back to the original subject...
Why I am writing about this is because I was just sitting here watching Private Practice, and the guy (I'm not sure what the character's name is) said to his girlfriend.. "I am in love with you, I love you, you have me, I am completely here for you"... Maybe it's just me or maybe people can just say those words out in the open like that without even thinking about how they have to say it.
All I ever wanted in my life was to have a love and relationship like my parents did. From my eyes they had the perfect relationship. They met through mutual friends and had the same goals in life. To have a big family and to be happy. They came here from Vietnam with nothing in their hands but the clothing on their backs and have gone through a lot of tragedies to get to where were. I only say where because my mother is no longer with us. My dad on the other hand is completely successful.
I put LOVE on such a pedistal only because from what I have seen in my parents eyes. My dad treated my mom like a princess. He appreciated everything that she did for him. He'd come home from a long day of work, and she'd have dinner on the table waiting for him. She was excited to see him when he got home. I don't want to tute my own horn but to me, we had the perfect family. I don't want a family or children but I'd like to share that kind of LOVE with man like my parents did. To have something so rare find you and to top it off with happiness, what else could you ask for?
I just hope one day I can find someone who thinks that I'm worth all of those things, and tells me so that I know everyday of my life, that I was their number one.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The beginning...
THE BEGINNING...
- Honestly I wouldn't even know where to begin with my thoughts. It has been years since I have even done any type of online journal. I've never had my own personal "blog" that I guess anyone would actually want to read but I guess I can give this a shot.
I'm sitting here watching Greys Anatomy reruns and it's 2:30am. Also typing religiously fast to my best friend that's in Connecticut. He is truly amazing. That's all I have to say. We've been friends since we were 8 years old. Makes me laugh honestly. He keeps me sane. We were reminiscing tonight about our past and childhood. All we had were each other. I was estranged from my family and he was an only child so we clung to each other.
How many people in your life can you honestly say that you've "known" most of your life or your whole life besides your family? It boggles my mind that he and I both have "grown up" together. Literally. Going through from adolescents to preteens to teenagers to adults? When did this happen? Suddenly when you are my age, you definitely realize that you aren't getting any younger and you start opening your eyes up to things that matter in life and things that don't.
We used to fight like cats and dogs too. It was like having a soap opera every single day on just two people who got along great but when things got bad for some reason, they got super bad. We have the same temper and attitude. In High School we were such little "bitches".. I'm talking about literally fighting OUT LOUD in Italian class and completely disrespecting our Italian Teacher. I will never forget him.. IO TU LUI LEI LEI. (the way you'd say i, you, me, he and she - trust me I did not imprint this in my mind on purpose! This teacher definitely did his job, unfortunately that's the only thing I remembered from that class). That poor guy never stood a chance against us. Or we'd walk down the hallway screaming and fighting with each other then continue to fight online over AOL Instant Messager and Emails and HE just brought up the fact that we'd call each other over and over again on our land line phones to kick each other offline.
I mean this was over 10 years ago so you can only imagine how immature and stupid we were. I wouldn't trade those time in for anything though. I find that when you get older you realize who your true friends are. You may not have a large amount of friends, but the ones that are there are the only ones that really matter. You can't count on everyone in your life but if you are lucky enough you'll get a handful or less that you can depend on with your life.
Flash forward 10 years, and we are still the same people we were but just with more responsibilities. It amazes me that we're 800 miles away from each other and we're still closer then ever. I can tell him anything, and he can with me and we just have amazing support for one another without judgements. He truly is the sibling that I've never had.
- Anyways -
It's now 2:45 a.m. and not even an ounce of me is tired. My boyfriend and I just went to a movie tonight. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. This series is epic. The books are the best sellers , and the movies follow. I read the first two books about 10 years ago but then lost interest with it but I follow the movies religiously! The director that took over after the first two movies is amazing. The series has completely turned dark and twisted and it just amazing! I'm excited for the Part 2. I can't believe it' s been 10 years since this whole series has started. I can't believe I'm old enough to say "10 years ago.... i was doing this... and i saw that" WOW.
I guess I've gone on ranting and raving too much. Night!
~Lizzie
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